In the 10 years since we met and now the 7 years since we married, it’s been something every year. Every single year. It’s like we are on the crazy train on a fast track. I will illustrate here:
A superstitious person is anxious about year seven of marriage–so I am hoping “the Virus Crisis” is our thing for this year. It may be the thing for next year too. It also makes me anxious.
Between this big moment (ten years together and seven years married) and less “busy-ness” leaving (way too much) space for inner dialogue, I’ve been ruminating over my thoughts and taking stock of our life in the midst of COVID-19.
Where have we been?
- See illustration above.
- I am reminded of our wedding and the baptism of our kids when I work, and it always feels like a million moons ago. Do we look like those same people? Are we washed-up has beens?
- Yes, we left Texas to be closer to family and my support system. Right about now that seems like a moot point–whether we live here or there, we aren’t with them.
- Then T suggests that if we had stayed in Texas, we would have a pool and a renovated (huge) kitchen to enjoy in quarantine…
Where are we now?
- We certainly did not envision spending so much time in our 1,200 sq ft home living, working, and playing. Between, school, work, activities and freedom to move about, our home would be more like a crash pad. Does that mean we made a bad decision?
- The current instability is unsettling, especially for those of us used to the comfort of planning and predictability (a privilege). I’m becoming more self-aware of my control impulses and anxiety management. Interfacing with couples who were planning weddings and parents arranging baptisms puts me on the other side of the fence, being asked questions to which there are no definitive answers (but demanding answers anyway–which I get).
Where are we going?
My church friend (who was previously the Wedding Madam) reminded me today that a favorite priest loves to say, “we plan and God laughs”. So is planning for our future futile? It does seem like a missed lesson from this “press pause” to try to exert control over what cannot be controlled. But YEAH RIGHT! then my anxious mind would have nothing to think about. Examples:
- We must provide stability for our kids
- I do not know if we can settle down, make any long-terms decisions about school, home, job or our life anytime soon, or be those people who stay in the same place for 20, 30, 40, 50 years
- I am always changing my mind, but…